


In the dark

by secondhandsunlight



Series: You know I tried to fight my way out [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, i'm so sorry about this, this is titled "I'm awful" in my savings, viewer POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-23 01:03:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6099748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secondhandsunlight/pseuds/secondhandsunlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Opening YouTube before catching the bus to school is not something you do on regular Monday mornings, but for some reason you’re done very early this particular day. The first thing you notice is that Dan has uploaded a new video. It hits you that, despite of time zones, it must’ve been recorded way after midnight, which maybe shouldn’t have been considered strange considering his sleeping habits, but it’s not even three minutes long and the thumbnail is just black. You frown, deciding you’ve got time enough to watch it before leaving, and press play.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the dark

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about a year ago when I was doing quite badly, and now I found it again and it made me sad so I thought I'd share the sad with you? It's really horrible, beware. Although there are barely any graphic stuff it's quite damn dark. I've never posted anything on AO3 before so please let me know if I've forgotten to tag anything or missed something else!  
> Also, this is the first and only fanfiction I've ever written about Dan and Phil, please let me know what you think?
> 
> As always, this is only a creation of my mind and shouldn't be read as anything else.

Opening YouTube before catching the bus to school is not something you do on regular Monday mornings, but for some reason you’re done very early this particular day. The first thing you notice is that Dan has uploaded a new video. It hits you that, despite of time zones, it must’ve been recorded way after midnight, which maybe shouldn’t have been considered strange considering his sleeping habits, but it’s not even three minutes long and the thumbnail is just black. You frown, deciding you’ve got time enough to watch it before leaving, and press play.

The video is clearly filmed on a webcam. The room is dark, only a desktop lamp out of the picture shining a faint light over the man sitting in front of the computer. He’s staring into the camera for a couple of seconds, and then bows his head down, resting it in his palm. It takes you a moment to realise he’s crying, and after that the feeling of wrong just grows in your stomach, making your breath catch in your throat.

“I can’t do this anymore,” he finally speaks, his voice low and hushed. Trying not to wake Phil, you figure. “There’s just so much pressure and I’m just not good enough. I’m so horrible and I can’t do anything right and I’m wrong, I’m so wrong all the time. You’re all so amazing and I’m such a poor excuse for a human being. I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve having friends, I don’t-“  
He looks up, but it doesn’t seem like he’s looking at anything. Even in the poor lighting you can see the tears dripping down his chin, see the sobs ripping through his body.  
“I’m done with YouTube. I’m done with- with myself.” The way his voice cracks makes you cringe. Your heart beats heavy in your chest, and you find yourself clasping a hand over your mouth, slowly shaking your head.  
“This’ll be the last you see of me. I’m sorry, but you’re better off without me, really.” Again, he just stares at the camera, but then a smile starts curling his lips and he chuckles as if someone’s just told a joke, glancing at the ceiling with a look in his eyes you couldn't possibly describe.  
“Goodbye, internet.”

For what feels like minutes you can’t pull your eyes off the screen. Was that just- No, you have to be paranoid, of course. He means he’s quitting YouTube, right? It can’t be that he-

Can it?

You open Twitter before you’ve even made the decision to do so, and immediately you notice you’re not the only one who’s scared. The website is overflowing with more or less concerned tweets. Most aren’t even directed at Dan himself, although as you scroll down you realise they probably were before. Now they’re directed at Phil, at everyone, anyone. But Dan hasn’t tweeted anything new, and neither has Phil. There’s nothing out there that can sooth the frightened audience.

~~~

There are so many things you won’t ever know about what went down that night. You won’t know about the phone call Phil received at four o’clock in the morning from an American friend wanting to make sure they were alright. You won’t see him scrambling out of bed, barely remembering to put his glasses on. Nor will you hear the fear in his voice as he calls Dan’s name when he realises he’s not in his room.

Maybe you wouldn’t want to know either way. You’ll be fine going through your life without having the picture of him slumped against the bathroom wall, barely breathing, etched into your retina. The bottle of pills lying still in the sink.

But after four days of nothing but speculations and late nights of no sleep, you get something. It’s not a lot, and it really doesn’t answer many of the questions because the silence has already said so much. But it is something.

_@Amazingphil: guys please calm down, there’s nothing to worry about you’re making things bigger than they are :)_

It feels more like a confirmation than anything else.

~~~

There are no videos for the next couple of weeks. Not many fans have calmed down, but when Phil slowly starts using his Twitter again things start feeling more bearable. It’s just so awful to not know what happened. You all know something went down, and you’re all scared of what it might’ve been. There are a few claiming it must’ve just been because they were both overwhelmed, or that Phil didn’t want to be on the internet when Dan wasn’t, or that he didn’t want to make him feel pressured to upload by uploading himself. But although the ideas do fit Phil’s person, Dan’s video still says otherwise. You’ve watched it too many times, seen too many gifs, to not still be terrified.

When you open up Facebook a Friday three weeks later, Phil’s posted a link to a live show. You open it immediately, begging for your internet to work with you today. At first it’s just like all of the others he’s done before. He does apologise for being away, but gives no other explanation than “it’s been a lot going on”. You all notice him avoiding every question regarding his flatmate. It takes almost twenty minutes for him to even mention him, and even then you’re pretty sure he didn’t actually mean to read the comment out loud.  
“Can you go get Dan?” he says, and the screen freezes for a second but then it moves again and he pulls a smile and although it’s blurry it doesn’t really feel like it’s reaching his eyes.  
“Actually I think he’s asleep, I don’t want to wake him. Sorry guys!” he pouts jokingly, and if it wasn’t for how weird things have been lately, it would’ve felt just as regular video. Except it’s not even 9 pm in London. Dan’s asleep now? You frown, chewing on the inside of your cheek. Nothing adds up, but then again, nothing has these past weeks.  
Eventually, you get distracted, pulled in by Phil’s bright smile and stupid jokes, and it feels okay. It feels normal, and safe, and you figure that maybe things aren’t as bad as you’ve imagined.

That is, until there’s a hushed call in the background.

“Phil?” Dan’s voice barely reaches the speakers, but it’s there, and you pull yourself up a bit to see the screen clearer, even if it’s still only Phil there. Phil, who calls a soft “Yeah?” back but doesn’t turn away from the screen; not until there’s a pair of legs in the background. They come to an abrupt halt in the doorway, just a pair of pyjama pants standing still.  
“Phil?” the voice comes again, sounding almost begging. And then a hand drops down into your sight, fingers twitching slightly. It’s too blurred, too dark but you get that feeling again. That feeling of wrong and bad and suddenly you can feel the thumps as your heart beats hard in your chest cage. Because you could swear you saw something drip from his fingertips.  
“Yeah?” Phil answers again, this time turning his head. Immediately, you see his face drop.  
“Oh my god,” he gasps, and you can see him reach for the computer as he does. His hand grips over the camera, and then there’s a flash of light before the show ends and you're left in the dark. No explanation what so ever.  
The panic spreads through the fandom again, and there are print screens of the hand in the background and _is that blood_ and _I think it might be_ and _what happened_ and _oh my god what did he do_.

The morning after, there’s a tweet.

_@Amazingphil: I’m sorry I had to leave yesterday!! Dan had a fight with an EVIL PLATE I had to make sure he didn’t ruin the carpet :(_

For some reason, you don’t believe him this time either.

~~~

But then, the week after, Phil uploads a regular video on his regular day. He mentions Dan, but only in a “when Dan and me were watching TV yesterday” fashion, and although you’re incredibly happy that they’re both alright you hate the fact that they’re leaving you all with nothing. That Phil’s acting as if nothing. The few that believed that actually Dan did just stop making videos and that they both had to adjust to that grow to a bigger number, but you can’t really join them. Sure, it wouldn’t be completely unbelievable, but you can’t get over how off it all felt. But Phil keeps uploading videos as he used to. He starts tweeting like he used to again. He smiles and he laughs and he comes with absolutely ridiculous stories that makes your heart melt.

But Dan doesn’t upload videos, and Dan doesn’t tweet. The gaming channel remains untouched. There’s a hole in the fandom, and no-one’s quite sure how to adjust.

Two months after the first video, people start accepting that he’s not coming back.

Three months, and it’s not the subject constantly on the fandom’s lips anymore.

Four, and you’re sat looking through every _danisnotonfire_ and _dan howell_ tag you can find for three hours straight.

Four, and your phone buzzes to let you know someone important tweeted.

Four, and _@danisnotonfire: hi._


End file.
